dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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