Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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