I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She bit a glass in half.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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