dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
