Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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