At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
