I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
