mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Terrible idea I love it
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
