the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Swine flu is the new snow day.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
