i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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