dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
