I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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