chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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