white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
