I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
