new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
The best revenge is premature balding
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
this will be a night to untag.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
