Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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