All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
