I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
