I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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