There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
