he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Fuck appropriateness.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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