My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize