I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
