i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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