I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
and you fell through a lawn chair
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
