M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
