why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
