His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
