I think my vagina is haunted
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
