Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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