what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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