Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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