I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
So here I am, sexting at work.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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