I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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