awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
