So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
