If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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