At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
