Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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