dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
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