I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
