You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
