**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize