Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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