God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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