I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
