her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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