i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
