Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
