Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Two words: nipple clamps
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