Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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