im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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