After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
