a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Randomize
