I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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