I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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