I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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