I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
