haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Please don't give away my fajitas
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
